title track

The following is taken from the aforementioned email to my New Testament professor. I'm posting it because it is a good summary of what God has been teaching me over the past few months and it was the water-breaker for this blog's birth. To answer your questions, I have come to a (re-) realization that God is most at work and glorified during the trials of my life. Last semester held many "down" days for me. Though I cannot say I was always looking for God's hand in all of my struggles, I know without a doubt that He used them to soften and turn my heart towards Him, even if it was a delayed reaction. It seems the only time I don't have confidence to hear God's voice is when I'm not listening for it. I trust that He will speak and is speaking to me, it is merely my inconsistency in seeking Him and busyness that shuts out His voice from time to time. This is hardly a fact to despair over, however, because I know that God is pursuing me, and no matter what, He will not let me out of His grasp or will. Like everything else relating to my character or personal well-being, my contentment ebbs and flows. As of late, I have been very blessed with a patient, yet excited heart. My greatest struggle with contentment comes from my desire to be a wife and mother. Though my excitement for this future time in my life has not ceased or even diminished, God has rejuvenated my heart for ministry and using my gifts for His glory, not next year, but right now. It is not my time to sit around and wait for the rest of my life to happen. My life is now. It is already happening. I want to make use of every moment God has given me in this world. Including today. Regarding my management skills, I think it is time for me to come to terms with the fact that I will never live a completely balanced and controlled life. Some days I will responsibly fulfill my duties. Other days I will be distracted. I don't want to sound as if I have surrendered in this battle to manage my life to the glory of God. I am still trying and hopeful that I will continue to grow in these areas. I am however, repeatedly learning to surrender my expectations for my own perfection. My perfection is found only in the righteousness of Christ and the more I remember this, the more my actions will reflect my gratitude and praise for the work He has done. Some days this will look like joyful responsibility, other days it will look like humble brokenness which ultimately takes me back to the cross. At core, the story is the same with my struggle to love those closest to me. Sin causes separation. Love goes towards. I can't let pride, envy or selfishness rule in me or my home. I can't let laziness keep me from reconciling or dying to myself. Community is a gift from God and a necessity to survive the Christian life. I want to take none of God's precious gifts for granted. I suppose I could have answered your questions with a short, "God is still working on me." That is really all that matters. My desire is still for Him to be greatest in my life and the world, whether I live that out every moment or not. He is still God and He is still Immanuel. That is alone reason enough to never cease rejoicing.