title track

The following is taken from the aforementioned email to my New Testament professor. I'm posting it because it is a good summary of what God has been teaching me over the past few months and it was the water-breaker for this blog's birth. To answer your questions, I have come to a (re-) realization that God is most at work and glorified during the trials of my life. Last semester held many "down" days for me. Though I cannot say I was always looking for God's hand in all of my struggles, I know without a doubt that He used them to soften and turn my heart towards Him, even if it was a delayed reaction. It seems the only time I don't have confidence to hear God's voice is when I'm not listening for it. I trust that He will speak and is speaking to me, it is merely my inconsistency in seeking Him and busyness that shuts out His voice from time to time. This is hardly a fact to despair over, however, because I know that God is pursuing me, and no matter what, He will not let me out of His grasp or will. Like everything else relating to my character or personal well-being, my contentment ebbs and flows. As of late, I have been very blessed with a patient, yet excited heart. My greatest struggle with contentment comes from my desire to be a wife and mother. Though my excitement for this future time in my life has not ceased or even diminished, God has rejuvenated my heart for ministry and using my gifts for His glory, not next year, but right now. It is not my time to sit around and wait for the rest of my life to happen. My life is now. It is already happening. I want to make use of every moment God has given me in this world. Including today. Regarding my management skills, I think it is time for me to come to terms with the fact that I will never live a completely balanced and controlled life. Some days I will responsibly fulfill my duties. Other days I will be distracted. I don't want to sound as if I have surrendered in this battle to manage my life to the glory of God. I am still trying and hopeful that I will continue to grow in these areas. I am however, repeatedly learning to surrender my expectations for my own perfection. My perfection is found only in the righteousness of Christ and the more I remember this, the more my actions will reflect my gratitude and praise for the work He has done. Some days this will look like joyful responsibility, other days it will look like humble brokenness which ultimately takes me back to the cross. At core, the story is the same with my struggle to love those closest to me. Sin causes separation. Love goes towards. I can't let pride, envy or selfishness rule in me or my home. I can't let laziness keep me from reconciling or dying to myself. Community is a gift from God and a necessity to survive the Christian life. I want to take none of God's precious gifts for granted. I suppose I could have answered your questions with a short, "God is still working on me." That is really all that matters. My desire is still for Him to be greatest in my life and the world, whether I live that out every moment or not. He is still God and He is still Immanuel. That is alone reason enough to never cease rejoicing.

why

I had intended to wait until New Year's Day to start this blog, but as my purpose for the blog became more obvious, I realized today must be the day for the inception of my present project. A few moments ago, I was writing a response to an email my New Testament professor sent me a couple weeks back. His email was a follow up--his pastoral tendencies had compelled him to see how God had answered the prayer requests I had shared with him throughout the course of the semester. 

As I paused a moment for much needed introspection, one of the greatest tragedies of my life came to mind. Too much of my life is wasted waiting for tomorrow and hoping that with it will come excitement, something to keep me keeping on. Today is all we are sure of, in a transient sense. This truth may seem elementary, yet I fear it is far too often forgotten in today's society. Speaking of what I know, wasting today and living for the future is undoubtedly prevalent in single Daughters of the King hoping for the fulfillment of their hearts' greatest desire.

Before I sidetrack completely and turn my attention to expanding upon the shared troubles of many young women in the church (though I guarantee many future posts will be aimed at analyzing problems that plague this particular "people group"), I would like to tie this observation back to my original point. (It is only my first post and I've already revealed my tendency to frolic about on rabbit trails. Good thing I am blogging without expectation.) Namely, this blog is for today. This blog is a reminder to live today, without wasting another moment in the process.

To do this well does not mean I ignore all things but today, tossing my past lessons learned to the wind and only following my strongest inclination at the moment. Instead, it requires answering three important questions, frequently asked by one of the greatest educators I know: Who are you? Where are you? What are you doing? In essence, these questions clarify purpose. Without purpose, people are lost. Lack of purpose breeds unbelief and passivity, two of the vices with which Satan most often tries to bring me down. This blog is an attempt to tangibly fight against Satan's ploys by taking time for introspection and actively allowing the Holy Spirit to convict me of secret sins I harbor deep within. This blog is an attempt to seek first the Kingdom of God by taking time out to look for how He is fighting to reign in my life and this world. This blog is an attempt to bless others by allowing them to take part in my story, if only by means of reading my inner struggles and hoping with me for the fulfillment of my dreams. All of these attempts are sheltered and nourished within the aim of outwardly manifesting God's glory for the satisfaction of a hungry world and a deserving God.